I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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