awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
