Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
