It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just pynch a tree in the face
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
