We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
