i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
