You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
