You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
