It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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