I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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