she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
