my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
