i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
