Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
