You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
