Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
