I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
