I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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