Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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