can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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