I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
