I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
