i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
