I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
