He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Come on in and take your pants off
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