I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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