I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
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Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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