That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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