I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
