i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
