I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
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I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.