He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.