I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
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And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
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As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing