Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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