I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
