I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
