HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
