There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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