I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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