I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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