Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
