I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
