I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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