good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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