why im i the only drunk person in the library?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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