none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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