I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
ok first of all what the fuck
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
