I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
