Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
