Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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