pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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