mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
