A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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