her facebook's as public as her vagina
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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