I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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