Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Randomize
