I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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