I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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