We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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