I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
