Im at strip club and am horny
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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