my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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